Why Resentment in Marriage Happens
Being married to someone means you have to deal with them day in and day out. We love one another, but a lot of emotional baggage has accumulated. Flirting is somehow forgotten, and in turn, causing resentment in marriage to build up.
Someone who falls into the hopeless-romantic category will say that in search of a partner, they desire to find someone who can make them happy. Their subconscious mind is telling them to track down someone who is not just kind, good and attractive. It is telling them to look out for someone who will fulfill any emotional need they might have in the future: the frustration, the humiliation.
Affection at the start of a relationship is unavoidable, and then, as time goes by, the chemicals start to wear down. Other things seem to be more important. We are not as attentive when they tell us about their day, bored even. There is a simple, yet shallow explanation as to why this happens: people get bored of each other. Going cold, through this lens, simply seems like the cause of familiarity.
However, there is another explanation, a more hopeful one. Losing interest isn’t either natural or inevitable. It exits because we feel hurt by, angry with, or scared of our partner. Addressing that feeling might be a challenge, thus making us confused and not being able to tell ourselves the truth—let alone tell our partner. So we choose the easy but painful road, we tune out.
It is possible to be unaware of feeling hurt, angry or afraid of our partner. Suddenly you have to deal with the consequence of having a love that dries up. We get sarcastic and irritable, and the frustrating part is we don’t even know why. It isn’t putting on an act—it’s confusion.
There is, however, a way to cope. It is to have mutual awareness and forgiveness. Be ready to have a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference knock on our door.
How to Cope with Resentment in Marriage
Everyone needs a little appreciation if not a lot. So go, tell your partner what it is that you want them to appreciate about you.
Keep in mind that this should not be the time for playing victim and making your partner feel like the bad guy. That should not be goal. To somehow be unseen and pushed to the shelves of our partner’s life is pretty unavoidable in any established relationship. Starting any relationship is easy, it’s fun and full of sparks. Greatness is the only thing you know about one another, until time says otherwise and all you see is your partner’s flaws. If we lived in a palace, pretty soon we wouldn’t even notice the magnificent pillars.
To not be defensive in our telling them what we feel, we must be able to drain the potential take of bitterness. When the great opportunity of opening up and apologizing to your partner arrives, you have to be brave enough to own up to your faults with grace.
Aside from being mature enough to admit our faults, knowing what shaped our partner may help us understand them, and their taken behavior in the present day. They carry a lot of baggage which they aren’t able to cope with that easily.
Tell them what you wish to be forgiven for. A mistake that burdens you, a mistake made that you would like your partner to know that you never meant to hurt them that way.
Moments where our heads are clear, we are finally able to realize the troubles that we have caused for our partner. That is okay. Everyone is complex, and you are just two complex individuals trying to make it right.
Therefore, it is important to have self-awareness and the maturity to admit our faults, have the commitment to address it together without being defensive of each other and promise to try to do better.
Pain is not something that’s ever easy to talk about, that’s why we let it out different ways, ways that our partner does not seem to understand. The focus here should be for you to be heard and understood. This should result in an end to the conflict, not reigniting any old wounds or creating new ones. Commit to opening up about what hurts one another.
Tell them what they could do to help you change.
In our core, we know we want to change. But it is near impossible if the environment isn’t supporting. That’s why we need to communicate with our partner. Tell them to help. Tell them how we need them to be in order to make the change comfortable for us. However, it is not promising to change easily. It means we are showing that we are not ignorant of our faults.
When we think resentment in marriage and going cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners, we might just need an opportunity to imagine that we are quietly really hurt and furious with them. And we should have access to speak up tenderly, focusing on critical feelings so that it is both received and delivered without misunderstanding or humiliation.
There is still enough love between us. We just need the right sort of conversation to get it flowing once more.